At Wit's End
Has something just pushed you over the edge? You just want to pull your hair out and scream? Living in Turkey has pushed me to this limit more times than I can count. Every normal thing in me is being scraped, bruised, slapped with abnormal completely frustrating experiences. Just so you know, for those of you who are lucky and haven't experienced this pushing to the edge of one's self, what you find at this point is your most raw self, for me something very ugly and upsetting. Today, for instance, we wanted to go to the mall to shop. Started with 15 minutes in hooot (90 plus) weather waiting for bus (i know what you are thinking, no big deal, but YOU try living without a car once you have had one for years, it, well, sucks). Next, being on extremely packed bus with man smelling of strong body odor squished next to me touching my side. Isabelle squirming and not wanting to stay still on extremely hot, stuffy, smelly bus. Next, we go to get on the subway, and being right behind Zach the doors shut after he steps in. I watch the doors close and wave goodbye to him. No big deal, I tell myself, I have done Turkey alone with Isabelle a number of times, I can wait for the next subway and meet him there. After waiting, I hear the bus coming and approach the red line. At this moment, Isabelle accidentally drops her bottle and I watch, in slow motion, as it rolls over the edge...down..down..down to the bottom of the subway and others gasp with me in horror as two seconds later the subway comes on by taking my bottle with it. Luckily, I did not go after it, as that could have had worse implications. As this happened, my daughter says quite loudly "UH OH!" and everyone chuckles. No big deal I tell myself, these bottles costs 3 times as much in Turkey as in the USA but it is okay we have enough to get by. Then, after boarding, I realize the subway is going in a different direction. Yes, the wrong way for me. Argh! At this point, I reach it, at wit's end where I come to the END of myself. To that place of complete raw frustration and anger. And, all I could do, is start laughing. Yes, Laughing. Somehow laughing felt wonderful. Yes, I did find my way eventually and found Zach waiting, and we had a good laugh together.
posted by Zach & Laura at
10:32 AM
21 Comments:
Laura, I hear you.
Being on outreach in France really pushed me to the brink of sanity a few times. Marissa recalls that that's the only time she's ever seen me REALLY mad and yelling. I don't get angry that often. Ironically, I don't even remember the situation exactly. All I know is that it involved a lot of discussion about somethig that wasn't worth discussing (the French love to argue about ANYTHING). After a long bus ride with those freaks, I broke down and yelled at them to shut up or something. It was marvelously effective :)
That's really my true self though. Sometimes I'd love to yell more but I just don't. It felt good to get it all out. Anyways, I just wanted to say that there's something very liberating and true about being in that raw state of yourself. I know those times are beyond difficult but I wish I could get that back sometimes. I think it's really healthy to discover that side of ourselves. It's anti-denial.
All I'm saying is; we love you, the good the bad and the ugly.
Yeah, Sweets, I got a good taste of that in Africa. There is a certain amount of stress that enters your life just being in a different culture. At the end of one day where we had had car problems (windows won't roll down, hot outside,flat tire with the pump in the other vehicle ... which was in town, of course), communication problems (forgot to plug in the phone in someone's house while in school) labor problems (building materials had "gone on a walk", school problems (someone didn't return the book I loaned them that I needed to read yesterday) it all escalated into an ugly scene when a storm came up late at night and I discovered that there was a leak directly over our bed - directly over MY stomach, feet, etc. NOWHERE was it falling on Jack...until I found myself standing in the corner feeling oh-so-sorry-for-myself with an unsympathetic husband snoring away on his dry side of the bed. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! Finally, I humbled myself and asked my honey to help me. He hadn't known anything about my slow soaking. We moved the bed, he pulled me close and life was back in the normal zone. But it was touch and go for awhile there.
I don't even have to leave my house to come to the end. The keys words...."and it was HOT". In Redding, no car, nursing, sick, unshowered, $ challenges, husband angry, in process of leaving church, no family local, dishes piled high, theologically confused, and it was hot. :)
I had to pack bags for that pity party.
Laura, I wonder if we don't have to go through life with these moments and as we accept more challenge - have to "metamorphasize" or shed the old shell to make way for new more flexible thinking. I have anyways. In any case - we're laughing with you and backing you up...
GO Shee-Ra! Oh, do you remember She-Ra? She and He-Man were a formidible duo. Omilordie, I'm a tard.
Laura, I have experiences his one in ur home coutnry whihc is a foreign country to me- finally found ur blog with Alexis' help!
Go troopers!
wow, matthew, i have to say, i would thoroughly enjoy watching you yell (but only if it wasn't at me, i would like to be in the audience). and mom, wow, i think yours trumps mine indefinitely. i think if water was soaking my bed at the end of THAT kind of day, i would erupt.
Matthew, well put, there is something wonderful about this rawness, "anti-denial" man I like that. this is deep stuff. hmm...Let's ask the deeper question, why do we typically live in this anti-denial stage, and not allow this rawness to come out more often?
laura
Laura & Beth - whoa! incoming flashbacks - definitely don't need to leave home for those moments!
Yeah, Beth, I think you hit the nail on the head about the "meta-
morphasis" angle, otherwise the verse about stretching out your tent pegs wouldn't be there. The structure must be enlarged to hold what it is filled with.
Laura & Beth - whoa! incoming flashbacks - definitely don't need to leave home for those moments!
Yeah, Beth, I think you hit the nail on the head about the "meta-
morphasis" angle, otherwise the verse about stretching out your tent pegs wouldn't be there. The structure must be enlarged to hold what it is filled with.
Laura & Beth - whoa! incoming flashbacks - definitely don't need to leave home for those moments!
Yeah, Beth, I think you hit the nail on the head about the "meta-
morphasis" angle, otherwise the verse about stretching out your tent pegs wouldn't be there. The structure must be enlarged to hold what it is filled with.
I think for me personally the answer is fear. Also I was programmed to think that a good christian never loses his cool and always gets punched in the face by his enemies.
Nat - me too. Interestingly enough I've been reading about the translation of that scripture and I'm not sure it's dead on.
But I also think it gets channeled - my goes into "frustration".
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Whew. I feel better.
You know, I'm always afraid of making the other person feel bad. (when they probably should anyways) I think we were raised to be considerate, which is awesome, but then we have to learn for ourselves how to deal with the no-no emotions.
What do I do with my all consuming rage? I've not poured it out on another person, thank God, but what do I do with it now?
I do think fleshing out can be liberating, but to what purpose?
If the struggle is to reveal emotions without sinning, has it accomplished that?
Are we talking about two different situations? One is where the events quickly surge into hyper-drive way out of our control and another is where thin layers of events are being laid down that we are not addressing and they begin to have a cumulative effect that leads to meltdown? I think each situation might call for different measures.
The rule should be LOVE.
I don't mean "love" as in "I love ice cream" or "I feel loved" but LOVE as in, doing something for the highest good of another.
Whether or not we vent should be for the other person's highest good, period. If its not, better deal with it some other way.
What if we are considerate/"loving" to our own detriment? I don't mean to our own discomfort or growth. I mean sacrificing into unheathiness.
What are no-no emotions for you all?
Bitterness has the stink of death connected to it - don't want any part of it.
Regret-it tries to absorb my entire being and take me over.
Selfishness-I hate when people including myself are completely thinking and feeling of themselves.
laura
It might be for the other person's higher good to let them know how they have affected your inner monster. I once broke into laughter after screaming in road rage at another person while professionally gesturing at them with my middle finger. To be truthful, both middle fingers. And I may have wetted them at some point.
The other guy, having conversed with me in like fashion, actually started laughing when they saw me start. The monsters had a confrontation ... much to the amusement of the higher beings.
I've been letting the monster have a personal moment or two, lately, before I begin outward expression. Even if the intensity is still there, the words are about resolution and forward, positive movement. Love, too, on a good day.
When I'm overrun and the monster simply MUST live out in the open, I find inanimate objects are more acceptable on which to express the rage, though sometimes that can be expensive. I do try to make them inanimate objects which I personally have paid for ... and will pay for the replacement of. (Two danglers in one sentence ...jealous?)
As time goes by, there is less rage and less expense. I'm not becoming beige, just getting some of the dangerous red out.
beth, you said "What if we are considerate/"loving" to our own detriment? "
good question... requires a few hundred pages to answer properly. I would consider you read Søren Kierkegaard "Purity of Heart is to Will One Thing" and M Scott Peck "The Road Less Traveled"
but the simple answer is that usually there is a way to act for the highest good of all, including yourself. It is not simple to find this way, but I believe it always exists (because I believe in an infinitely good God who has woven these paths of "highest goodness" throughout the universe)
chad
hehe.... i think we got into this conversation before.
levi
yea i have this conversation at at least once per week with others, and many times per day with myself
test3
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